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The role a girls parents, siblings should play in her married life?

Discussion in 'The Pavilion' started by Savak, Oct 6, 2019.

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  1. Savak

    Savak Emerging Player

    Feb 26, 2013
    My Baby sister immigrated to Canada in the beginning of 2018 after graduating from one of the top medical schools in Pakistan. My parents wanted her to get married afterwards as she turned 25 and I backed my parents decision.

    To my parents delight they found a Pakistani American doctor in his early 30's ie my age via a referral from their professional circles of friends. The guy immediately managed to strike a very amazing impression on everyone in our family.

    The guys mother had been battling terminal breast cancer for the last 15 years and her story was even more remarkable because the doctors only gave her 6 months to live and she has been a heroic survivor.

    My parents were super impressed to discover that the guy being the eldest of his 4 siblings in his family took on the responsibility of his mothers care himself compared to the younger siblings. The guys father has set backs during the time period as he got laid off from his engineering job and was never able to find employment in his field again. Eventually he had to make a decision and he decided to operate a home based business. But bottom line the father's financial situation was precarious and he was not able to support his kids education and was battling really hard to focus on his business and his wife's illness and this is where the eldest son had to step up. The father himself developed a stroke as a result of which the right side of his body is weaker compared to the left side.

    My parents especially my mom felt that given how responsibly and lovingly the son took care of his ailing mother especially was a very good sign and that he would be equally caring and compassionate towards my sister. The other plus point for my parents naturally was that he was a doctor who had trained to become an interventionist cardiologist and given that my sister herself was a Pakistani Doctor who had plans to study for her USMLE and later do a Masters in Public Health and a PhD this would again be a very good fit as doctors should ideally marry doctors as they both understand each others fields and the academic and professional pressures involved best.

    The guy was a very gifted individual and had successfully achieved scholarships and very high grades another thing my parents were impressed with.

    The guy being a 5 times namazi who never missed a single prayer was a big plus for my mom. Apparently the guy had been having a tough time getting rishtas because his mothers illness became a source of concern for the girls family members. In fact the guy has a younger sister and even she was engaged once and the engagement was called off the moment they found out about the girls mothers suffering from breast cancer and they were upset at not having being told before hand.

    My sister and the guy had met in the beginning of 2018 and have literally spoken every single day since they met on social media, whatsapp and phone. He even once flew down to Canada to meet her and she flew down to the US to meet him. Eventually my parents asked my sister if she was happy and comfortable with the guy and she said yes and so did the guy. Me and my elder brother got to meet the guy in the US later on as a formality and we found the guy to be socially very confident, opinionated and an excellent conversationalist and personally we all as a family felt this was an excellent match given that my sister herself was a super talkative social personality and therefore it was imperative that she also found a guy who matched her in that regard We finally made the engagement public with our immediate family members who met the guy during a family dinner and they were super impressed with him and his ability to be charming, to create an impression, to easily talk playfully with kids and to have a mature engaging conversation with adults

    They got nikaofied by the end of the year and they kept talking each and every day on the phone for 3-4 hours almost daily. He even flew down once to Canada for 3-4 days during which my sister went to live with him as she was his wife now.

    My baby sister used to be very close to me and would never hide anything from me and would always confide in me whenever she was upset or depressed about something. However ever since her fiancé and her husband came to her life, her attitude and opinion changed for the worst and I almost felt like she felt I was not as mature, personally, professionally as well settled as I should be and in many ways she stopped confiding with me and didn't want anything much to do with me as her entire world was her fiancé and her husband now. I accepted it as a gradual inevitability of life that everyone goes through and that everyone has the right to move on in their lives and that siblings should give each other their spaces.

    The marriage ceremonies finally took place in the Summer this year and during this whole time all of us felt this was an excellent union where both the couples personality wise, education and field wise very an excellent combination for each other. However, since then so many things have come to light which have petrified me that things are not rosy, milk and honey as people expect it to be.

    It's almost like as if the guy has completely dropped his guard down now that he has successfully managed to marry my sister and that he doesn't have to worry about losing her. My sister naturally speaks to only my mom and dad on whatsapp but she doesn't seem me mature enough to talk too about these things.

    My first major concern about the guy and his family occurred during the Valima when the guys brother in his speech made comments that my sister should be very grateful that she did not have to work as hard as her husband, struggle and battle through tough times as her husband did during his journey to become a doctor. That speech really got me very very upset and was the first real warning sign to me about this Pakistani American family thinking they were far superior compared to Pakistanis born and raised in Pakistan. My parents, immediate and extended family members were very upset with the speech especially with the sight that my sisters husband was smiling, smirking the whole time without any feelings of offence over his brothers comments towards my sister. My parents decided to let the matter go and not make a big deal out of it in the largest interests of piece and harmony

    Now I am not out here to claim my baby sister is perfect or flawless. She was born and raised in Pakistan where we enjoyed the benefit, privilege of having a nice comfortable lifestyle of servants and never had to worry about money problems. But she has battled very hard through her own problems. She was diagnosed with Dyslexia and she was having problems in keeping her numbers decent in high school because she was not naturally as gifted and bright compared to other normal bright students. But she still took on the challenge of being the only child to pursue medicine which is always a challenge for even normally bright students, battled through many resits, re examinations, sleepless nights, kept dusting herself off the floor and eventually graduated to be a doctor from the top medical school in Pakistan

    It's been 3 months now since the marriage took place and a lot of troubling things keep coming to light. Apparently the guy is not exactly the loving compassionate guy that he portrayed himself to be in front of us and our family. In fact what I am learning is that he cares more about the well-being of his family ie parents, even siblings even if it comes at the expense of my sisters emotional well being.

    The guy has been non stop criticizing my sister day in day out about her imperfections on every single thing that he could find and I am going to quote some of the things he has been saying to my sister
    "Your cooking sucks, what the hell did you do all these years living in your parents home"

    "Did you iron your father's shirts like this" "I want you to do all the dishes, don't make my parents do them"

    "Why do I always see my parents do the dishes", the guy leaves for work early in the morning ie 7 and comes home late at night by 9-10 and just because he sees his dad or mom clean a few dishes, he assumes that my sister didn't do anything at all in the kitchen

    "This is what you signed up for, suck it up, this is your life now" When my sister was upset about missing her parents and family"

    "It's a pity that your father's excellent world wide reputation, professional qualifications, achievements does not reflect on any of his kids"

    "I worked hard and managed to get myself a scholarship of $500,000 and some student loans which I paid off myself, you have been given everything on a platter by daddy"

    "I better not here him complain about you, everyone is being so nice, understanding and accepting towards you but you are the one who is being difficult and impossible". This was after my sister had to use the younger brothers computer to send a few emails because the WiFi was not working in her room and she needed to send it urgently and the younger brother was in the washroom and couldn't be approached for permission at the time. He got upset and complained to everyone including his elder brother

    Now I am not trying to say here that my baby sister is perfect or doesn't have flaws like we all do, but I know for a fact that she is trying her level best to adjust and adapt to married life. She now wakes up in the morning at 6 to make sure her husband has his breakfast before he leaves for work and packs lunch for him. She helps his mother with cooking, kitchen and house work as much as possible. She makes sure when he comes home at night he has dinner immediately

    The guy hounds her over spending with a fine tooth comb, if she buys a cup of coffee, women cosmetics or even groceries he keeps mentally torturing her with comments that you are financially reckless and irresponsible even though he himself has no qualms on spending as much as he wants on himself, his luxury items, his countless lunches and dinners outside. My sister came to Toronto for a week last month and on the night of her departure he again sent her a very demeaning whatsapp message regarding her spending habits and I could over hear my sister crying like mad next to my mom "Mom, how much can I change, compromise and take? He only married me for my face, he should have married someone more suitable for him, I can't take it anymore"

    My parents especially my mom are off the view point that in order for any marriage to be successful, it is the girl who has to make more sacrifices than the guy and that it is her duty to suck it up and deal with it especially when there are kids involved. My mom also have the viewpoint that my sister has been raised with a lot of love, pampering and that she needs to toughen up and accept the realities of life in her susral and married life.

    They also think that in order for her to really win the respect of her new family, her husband, it is imperative for her to clear her USMLE exam, find a good residency and become an American doctor so that she has an income of her own. In fact my dad is also encouraging my sister to aim big by looking to do a masters in public health program and then a PhD so that she can have expanded career options. My dad knowing full well that her husband cannot afford the tuition amount has already set aside the money for her to fund her education.

    My dad has also set up an account for them and wishes to help my sister and her husband a down payment for their first house. Which girls father is willing to provide such gifts for his son in law especially it is the son in law, his family who is responsible for taking care of his wife and her needs Today after a long long time, my baby sister reached out to me after almost 2 years as the elder brother she had always been close to on Whatsapp and it literally felt like she was crying in front of me. She was like she was sick and tired of the emotional abuse from her husband, his demanding nature, his expectations of perfectionism, the fact he was always treating her as a servant. That she was now in a family where you either compete or get left behind, no sympathy for issues. His demands for high quality fresh food cooked for him everyday, his unsympathetic attitude towards her studies, his comments that she is not what he expected and her frustrations with mom, dad that she tells them everything but they keep ignoring her by telling her to suck it up, deal with it, compromise, study for her exams and she in her frustration commented that her own parents had zero idea about how difficult her life was balancing married life, domestic duties and then studies because they benefitted massively from having servants in Pakistan

    I am deeply troubled and upset right now. I know my parents are not going to do anything. Ideally speaking I feel like going to the US right now and delivering the most powerful Mike Tyson right hand as possible on the guys jaw or going up to the guy John Rambo style, grabbing him by the throat and threatening to rip his insides out if he doesn't mend his ways and change his attitude, behavior towards my sister. But alas, I know this is real life and not a movie. I think the guy is now talking full advantage of the fact that divorce for Pakistani women and girls is a big no and they become heavily socially stigmatized because of which they suck it up and as a result of which they have nothing to fear anymore.

    Anyways the reason for me creating this thread is because I need some feedback from experienced people here who have dealt with these things when their sisters have gotten married into a new family? Am I over thinking this? Is stuff like this natural in a newly wed couples early married life? Do the girls parents and her siblings have the right to forcefully intervene to correct unacceptable behaviour and attitude in the guy? Is there some way we can put the fear of God and consequences in the guy I can't stand my sister being miserable like this any longer. I feel like aggressively talking to my parents now about this issue and that we need to do something about this to resolve these problems otherwise it's not going to get better on its own But before I discuss this with them, I thought I would ask everyone over here
  2. Mars

    Mars Talented

    Apr 23, 2012
    Advice to you is to ask your sister what she wants you to do. Talk to her, get her confident and search what exactly she is seeking.

    In my experience with girls, most of the time they don't want actual solutions. They just want a shoulder they want to cry on and they don't want to break things up. Men usually are either make or break but girls have their own way of thinking.
    Once you are sure about your sister then you can make a move otherwise help her with tips on dealing with men. You've a better idea of how to counter men than your sister so use that to your advantage.
  3. Savak

    Savak Emerging Player

    Feb 26, 2013
    I asked her, she is confused and doesn't know what to do . But she was upset and dissapointed that her own family didn't get her and what she was dealing with and going through
  4. Mars

    Mars Talented

    Apr 23, 2012
    Then don't do make any moves which put her in jeopardy because she'll most likely favor her family. Girls, by nature, are willing to give sacrifices to make their house work and they don't end things until the last ray of hope is gone.

    You should talk to her frequently and not get angry at what she tells you. Slowly, she'll open up which will help you analyze the situation and you should try to find faults in her behavior which instigates anger from his Husband. I know it feels sexist but now she's married and she has to make it work. If she doesn't have kids yet then she needs to think hard about how much she can cope with these people. If she can make it through for a while then having kids will give her leverage over her husband and family and soon she'll be able to make her position in the family.

    It's unfortunate but Desi families have this cycle of abuse where the husband makes her wife go through immense difficulties in the beginning of their marriage and the girl copes with the issues until she has kids and she upbrings them in a way that supports her own perspective and slowly she takes back all the revenge she can from her husband through the leverage she has with kids because men in their older age are helpless without their kids.

    If she thinks she can't go through changes then she should file for a divorce after doing constant Istakhara. However, that should be a last option.

    Besides this, I must say that you and your parents should've thought more about the kid being God fearing than the American nationality. Men are animals unless they have a humble background or they are God fearing either through religion or by having a good circle of people who he lives with. The most important aspect in a relationship is the connection of a person with God and praying five times a day is a good indication but it isn't always the conclusive evidence of him being God fearing.

    Ps. A person whose life revolved around his parents is going to act like he is acting tbh and he might just be too worried about his parents that he is forgetting his wife. His wife should start a conversation with him to make him realize about her feelings. Most of the issues can be solved by conversation unless the other person is a complete jerk.
  5. s_h_a_f

    s_h_a_f Moderator

    Dec 26, 2011
    First of all, your family way of thinking is wrong. Fair enough your parents wanted her to get married. But why rely on referrals? Why not let things happen naturally? Why does it have to be a someone that is highly educated? Just because the guy is educated, it doesn’t make him a better person.

    Secondly, as mentioned on the other forum...the guy is a cardiologist, working around the clock...how did he have time to care for he’s mother- has the guy’s family duped you?

    ‘The guy was a very gifted individual and had successfully achieved scholarships and very high grades another thing my parents were impressed with’

    ^^ This is the real reason your parents chose this person I feel.

    As for you getting involved, I woule say don’t for now. Besides, this is only one side of the story.

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